I'm gonna have a badass scar
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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