i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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