my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
