He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
