my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
