On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
