I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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