I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
