I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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