My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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