I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Drake has all the answers
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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