How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
