So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
