i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
