Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
