Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
