Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
