She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
