i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
