Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I will pee on everything he values.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
