I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.