I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
