U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
