I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
