I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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