i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
