did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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