Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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