If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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