I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
