He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
