Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
