Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
