Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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