i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
