i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
