I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
