i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
