she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
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I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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