I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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