the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize