you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
