She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
