I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ladies don't puke and tell
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
