I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
