dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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