you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
