she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
