the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
