I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
