my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
