Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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