i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
