the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize