If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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