I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
