if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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