My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize